


cause i remember the rush (when forever was us)

by commonemergency



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Kid Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-27
Updated: 2018-08-27
Packaged: 2019-07-03 04:14:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15811137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commonemergency/pseuds/commonemergency
Summary: If he were to go live on radio and have a chat about his life it would bring up a lot of old skeletons in the closet that he tried so hard to keep in there. He knew eventually that he’d have to clean it out to move on.or it's been six years since Dan has last seen Phil.





	cause i remember the rush (when forever was us)

**i.**

Dan was not the kind of guy to get up at 5:30 in the morning to drink a cup of coffee. Yet here he was, arched over his computer, his coffee on his left, and waiting for the sun to rise. There’s no sounds other than the clock ticking and his fingers against the keyboard. These are the precious Dan-moments that he gets while Riley is asleep upstairs. He knows that in thirty minutes his son will be patting down the stairs holding his stuffed animal that Dan got him when he was born and the star wars pyjamas that he insisted on having because his best friend of the week, Timmy, had them. He looks cute in them so it’s not horrible. 

Dan has been working on his next book, but he was having a bit of a writer's block, nothing was coming to him, and he knew that the way to get out of it was to try and push through and write regardless but Dan had never been good at that. He hadn’t been able to reach his word limit goal in a month, and his publisher was patient enough but he knew that her patience would be thin if he didn’t get half of it done by the end of the month. The problem was, they were nearing the end of the month soon and yet there was _nothing_. He hadn’t had much inspiration these days. 

It was easier in the beginning, when his ideas were fresh and he could write up to five thousand words a day, now he could barely write up to two thousand which had been the goal every day. He doesn’t know if he’s running out of ideas or if it’s just the depression eating all the good parts of him. Those months of therapy had done nothing for him and he knows that perhaps he should have gotten a new therapist, or maybe stuck to the medication. 

He taps his fingers against his mug, and then shuts his computer down. He doesn’t know what to do with his time now. He doesn’t know if he should go back to sleep. After a moment, he decides instead to make Riley his lunch for the day. 

It’s the same lunch that Riley always has, and if Dan had tried to switch up his son’s normal lunch routine he knows that Riley would have a breakdown, because it’s happened before and his teacher had to call him to get him to calm down. Though a new thing that Dan has done in addition to his son’s normal lunch is a post it note of some sort of animal doodle that says that Dan loves him. After fixing a ham and cheese sandwich with a small bag of tortilla chips, an apple, and water in his elephant water bottle, he places the note on top and sets it in the fridge for later. It is now six in the morning. He finds himself on the recliner and tells himself he’s only resting his eyes, though he knows that’s a lie. 

Riley wakes him up by tugging on his long sleeve. “Dad?” he says again, tugging on his sleeve again. He peeps his eye, looking at Riley for a moment before closing his eyes again and turning over and Riley catches on and laughs. 

“Dad,” his son places a hand on Dan’s shoulder trying to get him to turn over, but Dan stiffens up, which makes Riley laugh harder. 

“DAD!” He gets up on the recliner and splays on Dan, who eventually opens his arms and takes Riley under his arm and tickles him. He’s still tiny enough for them both to fit on the recliner and not fall over. Six years old, by far, is Dan’s favourite year. 

“Good morning,” Dan says as he’s tickling Riley who keeps squeaking. 

“Did you sleep well?” Dan moves the curly hair out of his eyes thinking that he needs to get him a haircut. Riley looks a lot like him when he was younger, it’s scary, but endearing. 

“Yeah. I had a dream about flying again.” Riley spreads his arms out in demonstration. Dan is so in love with this kid, watching his younger son reenact his dreams is his favourite thing and he hopes that his dreams are always of him flying. 

“You were like Peter Pan, yeah?” Dan raises an eyebrow, poking his son in the armpit which results in more laughter. 

Dan gets up from the recliner now and walks towards the kitchen and Riley follows in tow with his mismatching socks and his blanket being dragged on the floor and he sits in his usual spot while Dan prepares breakfast, which today is toast and oatmeal. 

Dan and Riley sit across from each other and eat, and they talk about Peter Pan this morning. 

“I don’t want to grow up,” Riley says, his oatmeal is all over his cheeks and Dan can’t help but laugh at his sloppy little eater. 

“No? Why not?” He asks, reaching over with a napkin to try and get the oatmeal off his son’s face who makes it a struggle for him. 

“I don’t want to be old!” he almost yells this, but he’s laughing again and Dan is smiling and shaking his head. 

“How old do you think I am Riles?” 

Riley looks up and is trying to count before blurting out, “100 years old!” 

“You think I am 100 years old? I’m hurt.” Dan places a hand on his chest and looks exasperated and it makes Riley smile. 

**ii.**

After breakfast Dan takes Riley back upstairs and they get ready for the day. Riley grabs his uniform from on top of the treasure chest that Dan got him for his fourth birthday. Riley has established that it is a good place to lay his uniform on since he is not tall enough to grab it off of the hangers without it falling on top of him or it flying over him. Dan tries to sort his son's hair out and they brush their teeth. Riley has a red toothbrush and Dan has a blue one. They both intensely stare at the mirror and try to beat each other and see who can spit in the sink faster. 

By the time they finish it’s normally forty minutes later because in between Riley gets distracted by toys and fighting with Dan about uniforms and jumpers. It’s the same goddamn issue every morning with the jumper. Dan insists because it’s too cold outside and he needs to wear it but Riley hates it. Eventually, Dan wins because Riley knows discipline (for the most part) and he loves his toys too much to part with them. 

Dan may not win father of the year but he tries his best. 

It’s a routine that Dan and Riley are used to doing. When they make it downstairs Dan grabs his lunchbox and keys and they’re finally out the door. It’s a nice morning, Dan thinks, it’s chilly but the sun is shining and that’s all that he can ask for. He looks down at Riley and he doesn’t understand how he got a child who jumps over puddles because they “ _have feelings_ ” but yet he’ll willingly step on the cracks while singing, cause it “ _breaks your mother’s back_ ”, he knows the song because of kids his age but doesn’t understand the concept other than it rhymes. But Riley is thoughtful and caring and still holds Dan’s hand while they’re walking to school and he never wants to part with him. 

“Is mummy picking me up after school?” Riley looks up at Dan, their hands are swinging and he jumps over another puddle and Dan can’t escape the splashes of water. 

“Yep. For a couple of hours,” he gives Riley’s hand a squeeze. 

“Okay.” he kicks a rock in his path and he sighs loudly. 

Dan can’t help but smile a little bit. “Do you not like seeing mum? Remember you left toys at her house to play with.” 

Riley shrugs his shoulders. “Robbie will be there. He’s quite loud,” Robbie was Emma’s new boyfriend, and he’s lasted more than a couple months which was a miracle all in itself. 

She’s not a bad mother, Dan knows, but their relationship was…. complicated. He can’t complain, but he won’t lie when he thinks of how glad he is that his son prefers him over Emma. But the reasons go much deeper than that. He won’t allow himself to think of it just yet. 

“Just stay in your room, and I’ll be there as soon as I can. We can get pizza tonight, yeah?” Dan musses his son’s hair and it seems to perk Riley right up. 

“I love pizza.” Riley says, thinks about something and then adds, “but I don’t like mushrooms. We can’t get mushrooms, dad.” 

Dan laughs. “Okay. No mushrooms on pizza.” 

Dan can always tell when they’re nearing the school because of the other parents shuffling their kids across the street with all similar uniforms and jumpers that have already been taken off. Dan has to smile at the fact that they’re all in this together as a collective unit when it comes to things like children not wanting to leave a jumper on. 

He smiles to the mums and dads that he knows, stopping just right before the school gate and he bends down to get eye level with Riley who always hates this part. Dan was told that it’d get easier, but it never did. Riley quickly became his whole life and this was just all he was now. Someone’s dad, and it might be the best title that he’s ever had. 

“Alright, kid,” Dan runs his fingers through his boys hair and Riley closes the gap in between them, wrapping his arms around Dan and it tugs at his heart like it always does. Dan squeezes him gently, pressing a small kiss to the side of his head.

“You got your jumper, your snacks and lunch. I packed Bear in there too. Make sure he doesn’t get lost, yeah?” Dan whispers like it’s a secret. It’s a stuffed animal that Dan used to have as a child, a few years ago his mum had brought it down when she was cleaning the attic and Dan’s glad that it finally had some use again. It had been Riley’s calm down toy whenever Dan had to leave him. 

“I’ll see you at your mum’s.” Dan waves bye to Riley who keeps looking back at Dan but his attention quickly shifts when he sees one of his friends. 

When Dan turns around someone is staring at him, he freezes before quickly looking away. They have a carriage next to them. He shakes his head, grabbing his earphones from his back pocket and putting them in. It’s been years since the last time people had tried to stalk where his son went to school. Years and a move, but the damage was still there. 

It had been one of the reasons why Dan needed to talk to someone, because even when he took Riley grocery shopping there were times when someone would stare for too long and Dan would just get so paranoid he’d just leave, and Riley would of course ask questions about it because he wanted to know everything and Dan never knew what to say. 

_Before you I was somebody._  
_Before you I had a completely different life._

**iii.**

Dan has a meeting with the BBC Radio 1 later today but he’s going to try and get some writing down if he can but he’s not positive that he’ll be able to. Most of the time Dan fucks around on the computer, contemplates making a video but he never actually does. Instead he just looks back at the closet where his camera is laid to rest and tries to think about something else but he still stays stuck in the past. It’s all he can think about when he’s alone.

He gets a text from Emma. 

_How was Ri this morning?_

Dan grabs the bowl that Riley ate out of and places it in the sink. 

_the same as always. i promised him pizza later so i’m sure he’ll talk your ear off about that when you pick him up._

Emma and Dan were courteous with each other. They could even be friends sometimes but there was always this barrier between the two that came from both ends but it was to keep each other safe, their issues were complex and so far their arrangement was working out well so they wouldn’t change it. 

_btw thanks for picking him up while i have my meeting._

Dan sees the bubble and he sets his phone down on the table and waits for her reply. 

_No problem I never mind having a little more time with him_

They alternated weekends, this week it was Dan. He could blame the lack of writing because of that but he knew it wasn’t it, but it was a good part of it. 

*

Dan gets ready to head over to the BBC. He decides to wear his checkered jumper with some ripped skinny jeans. It was one of those days where he just wanted to blend in with the crowd, and black had always been a colour that he felt like he could retreat to. It had been a long time since he had gone out somewhere that wasn’t kid or book related and he was nervous.

He checks in and waits, he’s too anxious to sit on the chairs so he kind of paces, hands shoved in his pockets until someone that works for the guy Dan’s seeing comes to get him. The closer they got to the meeting room Dan feels the sweat drip from his forehead. 

Dan already knew that he was going to say no when they were going to inevitably ask Dan to come back to the radio. His lived a completely different life. He felt like a different person. He had this bubble of anxiety sitting in his stomach that was making it hard for him to concentrate when they were explaining what floor the meeting would be held in. 

The woman had pressed up for the lift and Dan smiled politely. 

There was a ding and the doors opened. 

“Dan?” It was a voice that Dan had easily recognized. 

A voice that he hadn’t heard in a very long time.

Dan froze. 

“Phil.” 

The person that Phil was in a lift with had looked between the two and they both had quickly moved out of the way. The assistant had looked at Dan holding the lift open for him. 

The two had just stared at each other, but Dan needed to either sit down or scream. 

“Sorry, I—” Dan said stepping in the lift. 

Phil looked as shocked as Dan felt. 

“Yeah.” Phil nodded looking like he wanted to say more but the door closed. 

“Old friend?” The assistant asked. 

Dan could almost laugh. 

“Something like that.” He said. 

*

His hands were shaking, and he still had a couple of minutes before the meeting so he excused himself to find the loo. 

He locked the door quickly, his back against the wall and he tried to remember how to breathe. He looked at the time on his phone and he sees the picture of him and Riley and it all just starts to settle in of how long it’s actually been since the last time that he saw Phil. 

It had been six years. 

Dan pushes the thought away getting out of the stall and splashing water on his face. He really looked himself in the mirror this time. He didn’t know when he started to wear his hair naturally, sooner than when he was ready because it just got so hard trying to find the time to keep it straight. There’s a joke about his sexuality in there, but he pushes that aside too, trying to fix the hairs that he pushed back out of nerves. 

He walks back to the meeting room and sits down on one of the chairs. 

The meeting starts out with all the casualties. 

_How have you been?_  
_What have you been doing?_

He doesn’t ask about Riley. There was this silent agreement that Dan’s kid was not something people talked about. 

“The main reason why I asked you here, well, I think you already know. Look, I know you don’t want to come back to radio. Hell, your youtube channel hasn’t been active in years but I’d love to have someone interview you on what you’ve been up to. It’s part of a series we’ve been doing. It’s just something to think about. If you like how it flows then we can figure the rest out later.” 

Dan had shaken his hand and told him he’d think about it. 

“Is that why Phil was here?” Dan asks, he’s in the doorway now. 

Alistair nods his head. “Yeah.” 

Dan doesn’t say anything. He just leaves. 

**iv.**

He texts Emma that he’s on his way now. He wished he had a longer coat, something that he can hid himself in, he feels vulnerable and like everyone is watching him. He didn’t know why he came in the first place. He already knew it had something to do with that but he came anyway. He thinks that somewhere deep down inside of him it was because he knew that he would probably bump into Phil. 

He looks at his screensaver now, watching the way that he looks at his son, thinking that he’d do anything to keep him safe. If he were to go live on radio and have a chat about his life it would bring up a lot of old skeletons in the closet that he tried so hard to keep in there. He knew eventually that he’d have to clean it out to move on. 

This isn’t the first time that Dan has tried to keep something safe and hidden only for it to be blown up in his face. He doesn’t need another repeat with Riley. 

*

Half hour later he’s standing outside Emma’s door. He can hear the telly play Peppa Pig reruns. Dan composes himself before knocking on the door. 

He can hear the word ‘ _Dad!_ ’ and he smiles ready to be ambushed. 

When Emma opens the door she says a quiet hello letting him in. Dan notices that she’s changed the living room up a bit, but everything is mostly the same and it’s a comfort. There’s pictures of Riley on the wall, and only one picture that they ever took together as a family at the hospital when Riley was born. 

Robbie is a very buff man that could probably break Dan right in half but he seems nice. They both nod to each other while Riley runs from one end of the room to Dan. 

He’s got himself wrapped around Dan’s legs while Emma grabs his backpack and grabs Bear from the couch, he takes it from her with a polite smile. 

“He’s got some homework that we worked on, he’s mostly done though.” She bends down now to pick Riley up. He wraps his arms around his mum and holds on to her tight. Even if there were days when Riley wanted to be with Dan, he loved his mum. 

“How was your meeting?” Emma puts Riley back down and Robbie goes back to the kitchen. Life continues on even if it felt like it sort of stopped about an hour ago. 

“Long. I’ll tell you about it later. I have to do some thinking.” He leans in to give her an awkward hug. It catches her off guard, he doesn’t know why he did it but she smiles anyway when they break apart. 

“Right. Well, I’ll see you later, yeah?” Emma kisses Riley’s forehead and they’re off. 

They walk hand in hand to the tube station. Riley is going on about his day and what his current best friend, Timmy, is up to and what he brought for lunch. Apparently, Timmy shared Monster Munch with Riley, making him the ultimate best friend. Dan wonders where Riley gets his dramatics from. 

“Did you marry mum?” Riley had a knack for asking the most wild questions at the most random times. They’re in the tube, Riley sitting on Dan’s lap when he asks. It’s not as packed since it’s after the rush hour but Dan doesn’t want to answer because of who could be listening. 

Every once in a while there’s always someone who spots Dan when he goes out and they try to take a picture of him, thinking that he doesn’t see, but old habits die hard. He always felt like he had a sense of if someone knew him. 

“No.” he says pulling Riley a little tighter as people go in and out of the train. 

That answer seems to satisfy Riley for now. He goes back to playing games on Dan’s phone. 

Dan wonders if there’d ever be a time when he’d stop feeling nervous about going out in public. He feels a little bit better when they finally reach their block. His hands are still shaking but it’s not enough for Riley to point out and he’s grateful. There were some questions that were so innocent that Riley asked but were so complex in Dan’s mind. 

“Timmy’s parents are not married.” Riley says, like they’ve been talking about it this entire time. 

“Yeah? Did he tell you that today?” Dan unlocks their door and Riley puts his backpack in his cubby and takes Bear out to hold and sits at the table. 

Dan grabs his laptop off the desk to order them pizza. 

“Yeah. He’s not sad about it though.” Riley yawns. He’s now switched to watching Netflix on Dan’s phone. 

Dan bites his bottom lip, but shakes his head. Another conversation for another day. There was only so many things he can process at once and this was not one of those things he needed add to the list. 

“Text message!” Riley holds Dan’s phone up for him and Dan smiles grabbing it. 

_Sorry I didn’t warn you about Phil. I hope you still consider it anyways._

Dan sighs, closing out of his messages and handing it back to Riley. 

*

They have pizza at the table and Dan grabs a slice to wrap up for Riley’s lunch tomorrow. He’s finishing his homework, reading things out loud to Dan and asking what some words mean. He’s sprouting off on different topics now, and Dan would be all ears if he wasn’t so tired. 

“Bed time.” Dan says when it reaches half seven, Riley doesn’t put up a fight about it this time. He had Emma’s dog to play with which always tires him out. Dan is grateful it isn’t going to be one of those nights where he’s up late. 

Dan gets ready for bed with Riley, it always makes Riley feel better that they’re doing it together. Dan gets into his pyjamas and waits for Riley in the bathroom with their toothbrushes. Riley scrubs faster than Dan and he wins because he lets him. 

Riley picks the book to read tonight. It’s always the same book about dragons. He understands the appeal, he much rather live in the fantasy world too because the dragons always win. 

Dan rereads it three times and by the start of the fourth time Riley has fallen asleep. He turns the nightlight on and turns the light off and cracks the door open. He thinks about doing some cleaning but his body is betraying him. He could fall asleep right now. He pushes through it anyway, packing Riley’s lunch leaving it in the fridge and finishing the dishes that he had left from earlier. He grabs his laptop off the counter. 

He knows that there’s so many things in the living room that need to be cleaned up, clothes that need to be folded. He walks passed all of it to his room. He puts his phone on the charger and lays there in the dark knowing that in a few hours Riley would inevitably move from his bed with Dan. 

He thinks about Emma, and how it felt seeing her right after seeing Phil for the first time in years. It was like two worlds colliding from different time periods and he didn’t know what to do with all of it. He didn’t know how to cope. 

There had been a time when Phil had been his entire life. He had done everything that he thought he could to protect them from a world that wasn’t ready for them yet. In the end everything got complicated. People got hurt. Whenever his therapist at the time had tried to bring up Phil he shut down. 

There had been nights when he thought about the kind of people they were now. He always wondered what Phil ended up doing after they broke up, and if there’d ever be closure between the two of them. During so many of Riley’s milestones Dan had wanted to tell Phil everything about it. Mainly, he wanted him to be there. 

He loved him then, he still loved him now. 

He didn’t think that would ever change. 

Dan grabbed his phone off the charger. 

_if i do this there has to be boundaries. i won’t talk about certain things like my kid. we can get into it later. i’m in._

Dan anxiously waited for a reply. 

_Sounds good mate. We can schedule another meeting in the morning._

Dan gulps watching as the bubble appears again. 

_I should let you know that Phil is in too._

**Author's Note:**

> this was originally going to be my phandom big bang in 2016. i didn't end up doing it. i got scared halfway through and just stopped writing it and worked on something else and then i just never came back to it because of the premise. so some of it is very old 2016 writing mixed with what i added. this story has a happy ending in my head. 
> 
> comments/kudos appreciated! 
> 
> talk to me on tumblr/twitter: **@nihilismdan.**
> 
> [reblog](http://nihilismdan.tumblr.com/post/177435048068/cause-i-remember-the-rush-when-forever-was-us) on tumblr.


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